What are You Carrying?

I expect myself to learn a lesson once and move on.

...unfortunately this is rarely the way life works. It seems we continue coming back to our hurts, habits, and hang ups and learn and fail and make mistakes, and learn again.. the continual squiggly, circling, looping line that we would like to be a perfectly straight upward angle to "arrival."

This is what 'carrying a load' looks like for me:

I get grumpy. My language gets a bit foul. I get cynical. I have less patience than usual. I'm more irritable and a little emotional. I get frustrated when people 'need' me for things. I don't want to be asked for something. I shut down when a friend expresses her problem or concern to me because I just can't face one more problem/need/situation.

When I'm able to step back and take a look at how I got to this point, I realize I'm trying to do God's job. I'm carrying a load I was never asked to carry. I am carrying PAIN I was never asked to carry. (When you see the word 'mad', insert 'pain'-- anger is always a secondary emotion).

I'm mad at the pain and suffering in this world.
I'm mad that people are still 'building orphanages' in a world where we've effectively proven this isn't the answer and should be focusing our efforts on keeping communities together rather than reinforcing a corrupt system.
I'm frustrated that I'm in conflict with someone.
I'm worried about my family.
I'm worried about the future the clinic I've spent the last 10 months pouring into.
I'm wondering how God is going to provide.
I'm sad that I just gave up the safety net of my PRN job at home.
I'm worried about my missionary friends that are having a hard time in an unhealthy environment.
I'm sad for the children that suffer needlessly in this country because of lack of infrastructure, decent healthcare systems, education, etc.
I'm mad that I've given Reginald numerous outfits and clothes that my friends and family have bought him and he continues to be put in 18 month old clothes when he's 4 years old.

And when I stop and look at all that I've been carrying, I think: man, it's no wonder I'm in a bad mood. 
And again I realize, this is not for me to carry. This is not my burden to bear. I get to choose what I take on. And when I choose not to carry, I'm a better leader, better friend, better therapist, better coworker, better person, and I have a lot more to offer the world.

Not carrying does not mean that I don't sympathize, empathize, or see the pain and suffering. It just means that I give the problem/person/pain/grievance/conflict to God instead of fixating on fixing it myself.

What load are you carrying? And how do you find is the best way to unload?

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