Rachel Zimmerman

What to do when you feel alone and need someone to fight for you? This past year has been quite a balance of fighting my way through but also falling into the arms of God and allowing him to fight the battles for me. I wrote this blog to process many of the times I've felt alone and wanted someone or a group of people to come through in a situation. I needed to have some time between moving here and hiring an entire clinic staff and starting a clinic. I needed some time.... I needed you to fire the employee when he stole thousands from us. I needed to be protected and valued... I needed you to tell me I was doing a good job in the midst of the transition and the position I held that was more than 3 people could handle. I needed you to recognize the non-stop effort. I needed you to be culturally sensitive to me. Here I was trying my darndest to be the most sensitive person I could possibly be to avoid offending anyone and getting called a 'hypocrite' and...

A friend messaged me recently and kindly mentioned that she thinks of me when she’s taking hot showers. It was sweet and I’m glad that I’m thought of (sometimes it feels like you’re forgotten on the mission field from your former life, friends, etc). But it also got me thinking…. Thinking about the troubles on the mission field and the daily struggles that I face. It is not a lack of hot showers. I don’t think, ponder, or waste time with thoughts about my cold shower. I don’t mind the shower. I don’t mind the ‘physical discomforts’ if you can call them that. I don’t often (sometimes I do) think about the things I’m missing out on from my previous life (good food, starbucks, being able to pick up a smoothie at the corner). The things that I do think about, talk about, that do keep me up at night: ·          Relationships : just like the relationships that you have at home are complex and challenging, cross-cultural relationships can be cha...

This week I’ve gotten to spend probably 1-2 hours in the late afternoon laying in the hammock or sitting on the porch. I think this is the way life was back in the day, sitting on the porch and visiting with neighbors. What has happened to this? Let me tell you, it’s awesome. My day does not feel complete if I do not watch the sunset. Every day it’s beautiful, breath-taking, and completely different. Every day God paints a picture in the sky and beckons us to stop, to still ourselves, and appreciate the show He is putting on for us. Same with the thunderstorms around here. They are magnificent displays of God’s power and majesty. I can just see him waving his hand and a huge lightning bolt darts across the sky followed by a thunderclap. One thing I noticed while watching a thunderstorm is the lightning is so bright that I have to close my eyes as a result. How magnificent. How wonderful and powerful. Awe. In the states I remember appreciating a sunset but usually from my car dri...

When I'm in America this is the word I often feel: distracted. People ask me about the differences between Haiti and the US. It's hard to sum up in a few sentences. Because Haiti is so tragically impoverished and broken. And yet, they are not nearly as distracted as we are. I think America is impoverished (in spirit) and broken, just in different ways. We're distracted by our phones, by our cars, by our Sonic & Starbucks, entertainment, shopping, schedule and to-do list and the chasing of all the things our society tells us we should seek and acquire. In Haiti the distractions are taken away. The hustle and bustle is taken away. The internet is slow. I don't leave the compound on a daily basis. The electricity turns off and there's not much to do. I'm forced (and I've learned to embrace) sitting and resting and looking at the mountains over Port au Prince. (I actually get very disappointed now if I don't stop and watch the sunset each evening). ...

Everyone in a foreign country needs a Duckenson. Duckenson has been my 'right hand man' since day 1. I don't know if 'right-hand man' is the right phrase. Duckenson is a friend, a deeply committed friend, and my Haitian brother. Duckenson has been with me since the beginning. Since I didn't know a lick of Kreyol. When I knew painfully little about missions. When I didn't know how to help without hurting. When I didn't know how to communicate or cultural norms (that's still a struggle). Duckenson drove me around Haiti for the first 6 months I was here. Duckenson has lived through me asking someone 'Do you have to poop?' instead of 'Do you have a bathroom?' -- yes that was just a few days ago... : / Duckenson has been around for tears, anger, loneliness, pain, and oh the frustration. I don't know what expats/humanitarians/missionaries do without the Duckenson's and Charly's of the world. I have so much to be thankfu...

My eyes have been opened. And there's no going back. There's no more 'fitting in' to the world as I knew it... my world as I knew it. And it's scary and terrifying and liberating. There's no unseeing the poverty of the world and moving back to the states doesn't make the suffering in the world disappear. It's often too much to bear good thing it's not my job to carry it But I'm thrilled and privileged to be part of the solution to be doing something to be contributing to be leading and loving to be... just be to be doing the most purposeful work of my life to be learning (oh so much learning) to be living out the calling I've felt since childhood The experiences in our life shape us We have the opportunity to learn in any situation and boy is this shaping me and man am I soaking in all I can growth can be hard and painful but oh so beautiful My eyes have been opened God give me the strength to keep them open giv...

I expect myself to learn a lesson once and move on. ...unfortunately this is rarely the way life works. It seems we continue coming back to our hurts, habits, and hang ups and learn and fail and make mistakes, and learn again.. the continual squiggly, circling, looping line that we would like to be a perfectly straight upward angle to "arrival." This is what 'carrying a load' looks like for me: I get grumpy. My language gets a bit foul. I get cynical. I have less patience than usual. I'm more irritable and a little emotional. I get frustrated when people 'need' me for things. I don't want to be asked for something. I shut down when a friend expresses her problem or concern to me because I just can't face one more problem/need/situation. When I'm able to step back and take a look at how I got to this point, I realize I'm trying to do God's job. I'm carrying a load I was never asked to carry. I am carrying PAIN I was never ask...