Cold Showers

A friend messaged me recently and kindly mentioned that she thinks of me when she’s taking hot showers. It was sweet and I’m glad that I’m thought of (sometimes it feels like you’re forgotten on the mission field from your former life, friends, etc). But it also got me thinking…. Thinking about the troubles on the mission field and the daily struggles that I face. It is not a lack of hot showers. I don’t think, ponder, or waste time with thoughts about my cold shower. I don’t mind the shower. I don’t mind the ‘physical discomforts’ if you can call them that. I don’t often (sometimes I do) think about the things I’m missing out on from my previous life (good food, starbucks, being able to pick up a smoothie at the corner).

The things that I do think about, talk about, that do keep me up at night:

·         Relationships: just like the relationships that you have at home are complex and challenging, cross-cultural relationships can be challenging. Especially in Haiti, there is an expectation of what a foreigner is and what they will do (usually involves a handout of some sort). I live in a house that is home to about 20 Haitians. I am the only full-time foreigner here. It’s been a year and there has been a lot of learning, lots of hurt feelings, lots of pain, forgiveness, boundaries put in place, etc. There was a good 3 months when I wondered how in the world I managed to get most people in house to hate me only to realize over time that I was a threat to their way of life (could be described as lazy and irresponsible). I tried Bible study, gifts, relationships, being vulnerable, loving, all the things. Relationships are hard, living in a house full of natives is hard too. I try my best to show love through my actions and service and continue to work to forgive and open up my heart again.

               

      Injustice, corruption, evil, sin in the world: this week I saw a severely malnourished child in our clinic (from an orphanage) and it nearly broke my heart in pieces. Literally his walking is impaired likely due to malnutrition. That’s one small story of the every day here.

Safety: I get told a lot – “be safe.” That usually strikes me funny, too. I will be smart and make wise choices but I also can’t be locked inside of my compound 7 days a week (tried that, it did not work well). Ultimately, it is God’s will and he knows the number of my days. I refuse to live in fear, to not travel around this country, etc. However, the stress and danger of driving in this country is something that weighs on me. The stories of people being shot and killed leaving the bank or out and about is distressing. The US Embassy sends out an email when anything potentially dangerous is reported in Haiti. Imagine living in Texas and getting an email ANY TIME someone gets shot, a bad car wreck happens, a protest is happening, the weather is inclement, etc.

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      Burnt out missionaries: it’s hard to live in a country or amongst a group of people who are prone to over-working, not taking care of ourselves, health issues, stress & hardship, impossible living and working conditions, and lack of compassion and grace for self and others. There are many here doing their own thing. Wonderful things are being done, don’t get me wrong… but often the lie can be “you’re all by yourself; you’re doing this all alone.” There is often comparison and judgement amongst the community of people trying to help. It’s just hard to watch. We are all broken people but it’s exacerbated by just about everything on the mission field.

·         How to help without hurting. This is something I’m acutely aware of and have tried to be ever since I’ve been here. Living in Haiti there are plenty of horror stories of corrupt orphanages, sexual abuse, straight up evil; there’s also plenty of examples of people wanting to help and just being ignorant or careless in the way that help is crafted and carried out. I want to be responsible and thoughtful and wise in the way our clinic and ministry is built, fostered, developed. In a country where aid is abundant and can be hurtful. In a country where senators get $100,000.00 bonuses at Easter when the public hospitals aren’t functioning because the doctors don’t get paid. This is the world. This is reality.

It’s not cold showers that I think about. It’s not the lack of a mall to go shopping or the fact that I can’t go for a walk by myself in the neighborhood. It’s not that we don’t have electricity all the time. 

It’s the everyday aches and pains, relationships, brokenness in this world. Probably similar to what you think of daily in America, just on a different scale of poverty.

Relationships, PEOPLE, hard conversations, people dying, being a friend, being present. These are the things that matter.. wherever you are- America, Germany, Haiti. This is where life is found and this is where we can make the most impact in each others lives for the negative and the positive.