I needed you

What to do when you feel alone and need someone to fight for you? This past year has been quite a balance of fighting my way through but also falling into the arms of God and allowing him to fight the battles for me.

I wrote this blog to process many of the times I've felt alone and wanted someone or a group of people to come through in a situation.

I needed to have some time between moving here and hiring an entire clinic staff and starting a clinic. I needed some time....

I needed you to fire the employee when he stole thousands from us. I needed to be protected and valued...

I needed you to tell me I was doing a good job in the midst of the transition and the position I held that was more than 3 people could handle. I needed you to recognize the non-stop effort.

I needed you to be culturally sensitive to me. Here I was trying my darndest to be the most sensitive person I could possibly be to avoid offending anyone and getting called a 'hypocrite' and 'racist.' I needed you to love me and accept me wholly, despite language and cultural barriers. I know this is a very hard thing.

I needed you to know I was hurting, hurting bad, and not able to put my best foot forward. I need you to know I’m not perfect, in fact, I’m quite broken. I’ve been shown the most broken parts about myself during this adventure. Thanks for forgiving me and sticking by me on my worst days.

I need you to understand I’m not used to living with 15-20 Haitians and though I wouldn’t consider myself an introvert, I don’t know how to re-energize around you. In fact it’s absolutely exhausting to be in a foreign country in a different culture and language and food and norms and a different sense of humor and try to relate to people. I know I’ve offended you by hiding upstairs but it’s been all I can do not to lose it on many occasions.

I needed you to understand my world. And I know you can’t and that's not your fault. I’m used to being independent and self-sufficient and doing my laundry and cooking my food and working full time and socializing and doing a lot of things… without having to ask for help.

Thank you for teaching me to give up control of nearly every single area of my life (I can’t believe I’m saying thank you for that… it’s been a painful process).

Thank you for teaching me about community in another culture. It’s been messy and ugly a whole lot of times but it’s almost been beautiful in moments and I’m thankful for what I’ve learned from you.

Thank you God for the people you have sent my way when I literally couldn’t fight for myself another day. I could not have picked out more incredible people to join hands with and they have been a miracle.

God I know you see my needs. I know you know my needs. I know you can heal the pain I’ve acquired. You know I don’t want to harbor resentment or bitterness.

I know you see it all and that is all that matters. And thank you for loving me and having compassion for me in the midst of the dark seasons when I have not been who I wanted to be or who you created me to be. And I know you don't see me as a failure or a screw up. You are proud of me. 

Fo'w janti a tet ou. 

"Be kind to yourself"