A Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

I'm not very good to you sometimes. I'm not very kind and gentle. I expect you to see the worst of the world, the injustice, the suffering, the pain, in the States and in my current home, and I just expect you to keep on plugging, keep on pushing. I haven't given you very much time to process the deep pain and suffering you've seen and felt. And for that, I'm very, very sorry.
It's in the quiet days of listening to worship music, a sermon, cooking, cleaning, that I get to digest the things my soul has seen, has bore witness to. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've let other peoples thoughts and actions invalidate you. I'm sorry I haven't trusted you a lot of the time. I'm sorry I've let you trust people that have proven to not be trustworthy. That happens in this life, even when you're being careful, but I'm sorry I haven't given you the time and safe space to grieve and feel that.

I'm sorry to my heart.

I'm sorry because you're a good heart. You have a lot of compassion, a lot of passion, a lot of energy, and positive motion to give to the world. I'm sorry I haven't given you time to feel because when I don't give you time to feel I end up all cynical and bitter. And that's not really what my heart feels... not deep down.

I'm sorry to my heart. I'll do better.

I've found us a safe quiet space that is becoming a home. A safe space where you, heart, can feel and process and think and be quiet and still. I've found a space for us heart, I'm trying to do better for us. I've even got plants and live things in this beautiful place and it's really turning into quite a home.

I'm trying to do better for us, heart.

It's not fair. It's not fair all the things you've seen, heart. All the things you've seen and talked about and bore witness to. It's not fair. I don't know how to protect you from the injustice of the world, heart, because it's all around us, it's all around me every day. Heart, you're so beaten and bruised and deformed from the extent of brokenness you've seen and experienced.

I'm sorry heart. I know my God will heal you.

And I know it's my job to create a space for that, heart. To listen to you, my heart. To stop avoiding, to stop working, to stop all the deeds, to stop comparing myself to all the poor and suffering that are on my doorstep daily, and for a minute, to listen to you, heart. To recognize you, heart. To acknowledge you, heart. And most importantly, to feel you, heart.

I'm sorry I haven't let myself feel you, heart, I promise I'll do a better job of that.

There's beauty all around us, heart, Even in this broken world, there is. And we can't see the beauty and simplicity in the every day life if I don't listen to you, heart, and let you speak, heart.

I will let your voice be heard, my heart.

I will spend more time listening to you, heart, and giving you space and time to feel... the pain, the suffering, the grief, but also the beauty, the miracles, the simplicity, the relationships, the freedom. You have a strong voice, heart. A voice I've tried to stifle and silence and avoid and neglect. I'll give you the space and safety to speak your voice, my heart.

I will listen to you and honor you and be kinder to you, my heart.

I love you my heart. You have been good to me. You are kind. You are strong. You are smart. You have a lot to offer this world, my heart.

I'll do better, my heart. I'll do better.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"This is Haiti"

'This is Haiti' is a common phrase used around here. Usually I find that it is a way of explaining the culture, the customs, the past, the way of life, the heat, the dust, the difficulty, the beauty… this is Haiti. So this is a blog about my first 2 weeks in Haiti. It has not been easy. Each day is so full, so rich, with good experiences and bad experiences. I've been sweating for the past 24 hours straight… with the exception of a few hours that I slept last night because I woke up this morning not sweating-- I was pretty excited about that. The generator battery needs repair/replacement and the city electricity in Haiti comes on whenever it wants… which means that sometimes it comes on 5 minutes per day, 1 hour per day, or even 12 hours per day. It totally and completely depends.. On….nope, nobody knows. I feel relatively accomplished that I spent my first night without any electricity -- no fan, moving air only through your windows.. So I took a quick shower with a
Read more

Haitian Ladies

Image
 "Hiiiiiiiiiii!" my toddler opens and closes her right hand reaching for painting from Haiti that is on the wall of her bedroom where I read, nurse, and rock her to sleep each night. Several months ago, I taught Evie to say hi to them, the Haitian Ladies, as I call them. She is now in an 18 month leap and her language is expanding every day. Tonight she started to try to say the word, 'Haitian.'  'Ashian,' she practices in the cutest little Evie voice. Her 's' sounds and 'sh' sounds slay me these days.  I love that there is Haitian art in her room, a tin art cross on the opposite wall, and a hand sewn banner by her crib, all representing the resilient, beautiful people of Haiti.  I know my daughter will grow up knowing how much her mommy loves Haiti and how her mommy's time there changed her life.  My heart simultaneously sinks as we say hi to the Haitian Ladies on the painting, with their black silouettes, baskets on their head, and colorf
Read more

Deborah

It was an innocent Wednesday morning at clinic and I was in the office getting some administrative work done. At breakfast with our Medical Director, I heard wind of an emergency in the clinic. Dr. Mainviel was taking care of it. (I'd just sit in my office, our staff can take care of it, better for me to not get involved). Before too long, he was up in my office asking me if there are any ambulance services I have connections with. Fast Forward to today, Sunday, and here's where I'm at. I live in a world where babies are born falling onto their heads, where mothers don't have help or support in a maternity hospital (underfunded/undersupported, in a slum, overcrowded), where families abandon a family member when her baby dies (of no fault of her own). Where is God in this? Does it help or hurt for a 'foreigner' to get involved? The westerner has a concept of western medicine, of who and what can be saved and protected. My first job out of grad school was i
Read more