Home: a blog about being in the middle of two homes

I feel like I’m stuck between two worlds. My heart is in Haiti but my heart is home too- in the states, with my friends, and with my family. The question is—will I ever be able to go home the same? No. I’ll never be the same. I will always take this experience with me. The lessons I’ve learned, the things I’ve experienced. I won’t be able to return to the US and live a ‘normal’ life chasing the American dream. I will always be connected to Haiti in some way. My second home. My heart for this country. The beauty in the people, the beaches, the faith, the perseverant, steadfast nature of those around me.

I feel like I’m stuck between two worlds. Half of my heart is here in my current home. I am giving all I can here. I am trying to be courageous every day. I am leading and loving to the best of my ability—and it’s hard. Every day it’s hard. But I miss my family. I miss my friends. Home isn’t perfect… don’t get me wrong. Home is full of close, personal pain and sorrow. And if I was there, I would probably want to escape to Haiti. That’s the funny thing about life, isn’t it?

A year ago, I was begging God for something different. Something more than my corporate America job. Somewhere that I could use my skills and giftings to really help people, to really make a difference (I now know I was making a difference right where I was… but I do believe God put the longing for missions deep in my heart). Now I’m directing a medical clinic and I’m the furthest from my comfort zone. I don’t know the language (I’m learning). I don’t know the culture (I’m learning). I offend people without meaning to. I am required to have crucial conversations regularly. I have to apologize often. And I have to be on guard regularly from the sin that presents itself all around me.

I have to remember the days that I was begging God for something different. Because most days here I’m begging for comfort and for home and all those I left behind. It takes courage, especially on the hard days, to get up and face the day here and all the things that need to get done…. All the while my mind and heart are playing games. Will you be able to return? What will happen in Haiti when you leave? Will the clinic be in a sustainable place? How will you find a job stateside with enough flexibility to travel to Haiti often? What about my friends here and Haitian family?

But God knows. God, you are in control. I certainly am not. I am learning to trust you more and more every day. I am learning to identify the lies that satan wants to feed- the uncertainty, the insecurity, the “I’m not good enough” lies.

God grow and stretch my faith. God it’s hard. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for your compassion and unending and unfailing love for me. I trust you.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

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