Self Love or Self Hate?

I don't know about you all but I am so sick and tired of... not being kind to myself.. of disliking myself.. and of being hard on myself.

I'm doing a devotional by Priscillar Shirer with some other missionary women. Shirer asks the question: list what you like best about yourself?

I wrote in the margin out beside the text, I have a hard time saying things I like about myself.

 I think satan LOVES for us to not live in the fullness of who God created us to be. Satan loves to hold us back. He loves for me to tear myself up in the isolation of my own mind. The truth is- I'm a fish out of water. I've never been a 'missionary' before. Yes, yes, I know.. we all are called to live on mission every day. But I have never been on the international mission field before. I don't have any particular missions training other than coming from an equipping church.

Here's another truth-- I am learning how to run a medical clinic as I'm going. Yes I have a health degree. Yes I worked in big hospital system for a few years. Yes I've gone to many leadership training sessions, retreats, conferences over the years. And yes, I'm making my way one day at a time.
I'm learning how to live in a different culture. THAT is a challenge (can all the missionaries in the house give a hollar?).
I'm trying to learn a new language, I'm trying to learn what community looks like here, heck I'm trying to consume something other than salt and carbs in this Haitian diet.

Here's what I'm learning about the most. I HAVE to be kind to myself. I have to love myself. I have to support myself. I HAVE to take care of myself.
No I'm not a man on an island. Yes I have support.. but it looks very different than what it looks like stateside.

In all fairness, I don't have to be kind to myself. I can continue to critique every one of my mistakes or perceived mistakes. I can overthink my interactions. I can feel inadequate. I can beat myself up every time I make a cultural mistake and feel like I'm being culturally insensitive, and I can shame myself for every little thing I think wasn't done perfectly.
BUT I'm finding that's a really miserable way to live.

I find that when I don't love me and take care of me, I'm not the person I want to be. I'm not the missionary, leader, PT, friend, daughter, caregiver, and child of God that I want to be. I'm irritable, I'm stressed, I'm way to serious, and it all builds up and I break down. And ultimately I burn out. And people see that.

I am SO. OVER. THIS.

One of my spiritual gifts is encouragement. I love encouraging other people to be their best selves. Why is it so hard for me to encourage myself? To love myself? To encourage myself to take care of me? I pointed out in Bible study today that we are so good at identifying the good qualities in other people and complimenting other people.

So. Here's my resolution. Baby steps, people. I'm going to write down (type out, verbalize, whatever) 5 things every day that I like about myself. NOT performance based things but qualities, character traits, behaviors, intentions, etc. that I like about myself in a day. Want to join me?
So next time the question comes up in Bible study, what do you like best about yourself? I won't be drawing a blank.

A friend once told me that there is nothing more beautiful and inspirational than a person embracing and living in the fullness of who God created them to be (my paraphrase). That is what I want to be. I want to be a person that inspires people to embrace the full identity of who God has made them. I want to align my self-talk with how God speaks to me, how He thinks about me.

Some music that has really been speaking to me during my time in Haiti is Amanda Cook's "Brave New World" album. Her entire album has sweetly reminded me of the character of God. One of her songs is entitled "Kind." God teach me to be kind to myself because that is consistent with how you feel about me. Amen.

You are not a tyrant King
You do not delight in suffering
Your power doesn't compensate for insecurity
‘Cause You are not a tyrant King

You do not treat us with contempt
You are not an angry man
Your voice is sure, Your eyes are soft, Your smile, confident
‘Cause You are not an angry man

You are kind x 4

Carrying the orphans andresetting broken bones
Your love is a fury all its own
Sweeping the dust and turning feet towards home
You are kind x 7
Your love is a fury all its own

And love is powerful enough
Without the fear of punishment
Without the fear of punishment
And love is powerful enough

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 9, 2016 at 11:24 AM

    You are brave and daring and getting it done!

    ReplyDelete

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