Balance

Balance-- isn't that the million dollar word? How do we achieve it? Here are a few of my thoughts after this week-- a great week and a very trying week here in Haiti.

I knew it was a big week this past week. Heck it's a big several weeks. This week we will do our first mobile clinic (as an OCHC staff... We Care Haiti has done many mobile clinics in the past) in Fonds Des Negres area and then the following week, I head to the states! Hallelujah. Sometime in there we've got to start running a small lab in our clinic. 

And I feel like I've been running a thousand miles a minute.. and I'm pretty tired. And when I get stressed, exhausted, and haven't spent enough time on self care & in the Word, I get: impatient, indecisive, and a people pleaser because I want to control how everyone feels about me (let's be honest.. that's what people pleasing really is, right?).

This week we had dear friends in town from the US-- Dr. Ellen Palmer, RN, PhD, and 'global health guru,' as I like to call her, as well as her friend, Becky Baird, RN- extraordinare and total go-getter (she's got a ton of initials out beside her name and I don't know what they are). It amazes me how people come into Haiti and go all out for a week-- I know the feeling and remember the feeling. But geez the pace of these ladies is absolutely incredible. I don't think they stopped all week long. It is always so fun to have guests in town and at our clinic- educating and practicing next to our staff and loving on us and our staff loving on them. 

It was also such a treat to meet and collaborate with some great people this week. Our friends were staying at Visa Lodge (at hotel in PAP) and I stayed with Ellen and Becky a few nights and was able to meet some new friends who are doing great things in Haiti and swap stories and collaborate. 

Another highlight of my week was getting to provide medications to a mother, son, and friend group who are here to do a mobile clinic in a very poor area of Port au Prince. We'd emailed for at least a month but getting to meet them at the airport, pass off meds, share stories, pray together, and shed tears of joy was absolutely amazing. I am so impressed with fearless people that come into Haiti while all this political turmoil is going on -- in case you don't know, we're in the middle of the Presidential election right now which happens every 5 years. Per usual during elections, there is unrest, rioting, violence, turmoil, and of course, corruption (that's another blog for another time).

So the lows of the week-- we had to send two infants out to a hospital from our clinic. It's always a tough call sending people out to hospital because you never know what kind of care they will get here in Haiti. On Thursday we sent little Jeffte out to a hospital in Bon Repos (closest city to us). He was having seizures, fever, and not doing well. We sent him with Johnson, our security guard & translator, by moto (not preferable) because Duckenson and Charly were both donating their time to other groups and people we have in town. We covered little Jeffte's initial cost at the hospital as his mother has no money. 

The next day, little Luphtenson, and his mother showed up to the clinic. Luphtenson was clearly in respiratory distress, coughing constantly, breathing shallowly and rapidly. Our nurses got him on oxygen and got him stabilized. Because of the political unrest, one of our brave Doctor's hadn't made it into clinic yet. (Lots of Haitians stay home during all the political unrest-- I don't blame them). The nurses and I had to make a judgement call as to whether we send him to hospital or wait for Dr. T to arrive and check him out. We sent him by moto (both vehicles and drivers were occupied) to the same hospital as we sent Jeffte the day before. I sent Johnson with a little more money than Jeffte's hospital bill cost yesterday.

I received a call from Johnson a while later and when I asked how things were going, Johnson said 'not good.' (Note: Johnson is a really upbeat and positive guy. He's a total joy to be around). Johnson explained that the hospital would not put oxygen on little Luphtenson until they were provied 1,200 goudes (roughly $24 US). Side note-- most of the people that come to our clinic do not have 1200 goudes. I've had women tell our staff that they have 10 goudes (roughly 0.20 cents US) to their name or 50 Haitian dollars ($5 US) for their whole family. I was enraged- first at myself for not sending enough money (mind you -- today I've been in country for 2 months.. have no idea how this stuff works) and secondly that any human being could let this little 1 year old fella sit and suffer and struggle to breathe without putting oxygen on him. [By now it was Friday of a long and busy week filled with events, travel, meeting people, helping with guests in town as much as possible, etc... so I'm tired. I was NOT happy. It's moments like that when Haiti just really bothers me. There's so many things that I love about Haiti and there are things I don't like].  We got Johnson the money-- and this time I sent him plenty more. 

Shortly after, I informed that Jeffte, the little boy with seizures and fever, that we sent to the hospital on Thursday needed oxygen. Why is it that all the sudden both of the kids we've sent to this hospital now need oxygen? Because we were able to pay for oxygen for one? Just felt pretty coincidental-- after you've heard a few stories of Haitian hospitals, you learn to think this way.. I know it's awful.

Of course we paid for oxygen for Jeffte. 

As I'm venting to Duckenson and Dr. Thomas about the inhumanity of it all and they are asking me to be calm, it turns into story time about people dying in the hospital because family members can't afford to go out and buy gloves for the doctor to use. The plight of the poor in an under resourced country is unbearable. 

I'm later advised by several of our clinic employees that I need to be very careful about sending people to the hospital and paying for it-- if word gets out about this we'll have tons of super sick / not clinic-appropriate-patients at our doorstep asking for transportation and paying for their hospital bill. Of course I know this is wise advice.. and of course I need to have a system set up for this. We need to have a lot of systems set up but I moved here on September 8th, we hired a staff and opened the clinic on September 17th, and I've just been trying to create systems for the day to day. Do I sound defensive? I think I'm defending myself from my own critical voice in my head. 

Balance. Jesus. Balance. I'm losing it. 

Why do the poor in the world have to suffer? How can you look at a suffering child and require money in hand prior to providing care? I mean I understand- the hospital is just trying to stay open (I was later informed they've recently lost all their funding and will likely close).

There are so many questions: 

How do we help and not hurt?

How do I balance people pleasing (never good) and boundaries/honesty/firmness?

How to make judgement calls when people, especially children, are suffering?

How to balance work and rest when there is so much to be done? 

My sister set me straight today as she typically does.. so I'll finish off my blog with a quote from her:

"Just want to rebuke how much you are trying to control right now. God will use whatever He wants for however He wants it. And maybe He doesn't use you or you get it wrong... But it's still going to happen because God ordained it to happen. AND say that we know you are doing an incredible job and I hope you are acknowledging your accomplishments and what God is doing through you!"

God- I don't know what it's going to take for me to get out of my way and watch you move. Why do I think it's all up to me? That's crazy! God teach me to cultivate a restful mindset. Keep bringing out all the ugly parts of me until something changes. Transform me God. Be gentle with me, Lord. Thank you for your goodness, faithfulness, grace, love, mercy, patience with me. Teach me to have joy like the Haitians have joy, God. Amen.

My heart is on Acts 19-20 today. I want to encourage and speak boldly like Paul. Acts 19-20 reminds me of Haiti because it talks about riots and violence! Don't have a few verses from it - but check it out.