Falling

I'm not sure how many times I'll have to dive head first into the dirt to learn my lesson. But I do know (thanks to Jesus and Brene Brown) that vulnerability is key, not shaming myself is essential, and storytelling is a big part of "Rising Strong" (Brown's recent book) and getting back up after a fall.
                 
This past weekend, half of our staff went to the mountain to do a mobile clinic. The other We Care Haiti campus in the mountain is outside of Fonds des Negres (a good 4 hours away from where I live & work). Our staff did an incredible job of seeing well over 200 people in 1.5 days -- now that is hard work. I'm so grateful for them, their perseverance, hark work, and hearts for the health of their country.
Friday morning - the 1st day of the clinic - I decided to try to be a gymnast before 6 am. I was getting out of bed the gymnast way instead of using the ladder like a logical human being. I reached over to the bunk beside me to have an arm on each bunk and lower my body so that that each leg would catch the beds below. Instead, my legs flew down and behind me and before I knew it I was face planted on the cement floor beneath me. Ouch. I gave the whole room a heart attack including myself. The sweet ladies in the room made sure I was okay and I quickly exited the room in embarrassment. Alright, God. I get it. I need to sit down. I need to chill or "poze" in Kreyol. I've been going 3,000 miles per minute for the past 2 months and I'm finally running out of gas. I'm on the quick road to burn out. This is not an unfamiliar road for me-- stateside or in Haiti. It took the literal experience of falling on my face (praise the Lord I didn't seriously hurt myself) to metaphorically understand that I'm face planted emotionally and spiritually.
What I'm learning is that self-care is even more important on the mission field (I know-- seems obvious). I'm also learning that my insecurities are only exacerbated on the mission field.

My tendency is to work toward worthiness because my core lie is that I'm not enough. I currently have the job of several people so it's easy to work, work, work (especially since my office is close to my bedroom). There's so much work to be done in Haiti.

I went to the great English speaking church on Sunday and was reminded again--
  • In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength (Isaiah 30:15) 
  • We are the branches-- He is the vine; apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5)
  • The more I "do," the less I am able to see God move
  • If the devil can't beat you, he'll keep you 'busy'

So I'm on my face.. Which is actually a place I don't mind being. It can be a good place for me… because I quit striving for perfection, for enough-ness, for worth. And, typically, when I am face down, I can see God work. And He kindly shows up in this place. And I am reminded to sit and rest. He reminds me of truth: I am chosen, redeemed, called, forgiven, righteous, white, loved, Beloved, Daughter of the King, enough.

It's the falling that's hard… but once you're on the ground it isn't so bad. It's how we get back up and dust ourselves off and share with vulnerability and authenticity that shows who we are. God make me resilient. Transform me from the inside out. Help me to rely on you instead of working out of my own sense of strength. 

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."
Victor Kiam

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